if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
