Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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