i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Watching her eat just hurts me
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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