I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Text me some of your sweat
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