I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
