i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
