closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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