I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
