in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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