My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
