Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Randomize
