My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
