I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
