I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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