Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
