There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
