Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize