i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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