rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
