just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
