i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
