Too much gin, very little bucket
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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