I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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