i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
