Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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