my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We need to get me chipped asap
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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