You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
