My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
