I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude i'm inner monologue high
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
