Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize