it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
