is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
