I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize