I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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