He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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