new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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