I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
