My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize