New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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