i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
