she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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