The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize