update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
