ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
