The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
