Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
