Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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