So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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