In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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