sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
