I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
