I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
