saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize