i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
