Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
