I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
