He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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