I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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